Lately
The ceilings are higher here.
The windows wider
the bathrooms whiter
the jewelry golder.
My heart beats faster
my voice laughs louder
but my mind feels flat lined.
Things I would have felt guilty for before
no longer torment me
because I don’t care anymore.
And some people say I have changed.
I’ve seen the way the damned live back home
I’ve seen the way the beautiful live in my new home
it’s not so different.
Pill boxes are still made of plastic
It is only my exterior that has become jewel encrusted.
These days I forget to return calls
and to ask the time of day
The weeks are a haze of champagne and three course meals from a takeaway.
Sometimes I clean up his kitchen for him
when he holds me I am lost in a pungent glow
of testosterone, washing powder and the new fragrance from Valentino.
Friends from back home tell me I am looking great
and my existence is rated by the amount of likes on my facebook page
from people I don’t even know
or recognise.
I found a toy boy in a platinum play pen
where only limited edition and narcotics can satisfy him.
There is a mountain of disinteresting interest
which we ignore
And the red letter from my subconscious is thrown into the rubbish
with scraps of my personality
and the contents
of last night's ashtray.
(first published by the New River Press 2018)
